AB: Anitaverse Humor

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. Four to do the dirty work, and a master to referee

Q: How many lukoi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. You must learn to embrace the darkness if you wish to control your
beast.

Q: How many master vamps does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: something like thirty. One to make a new vamp to do it for them, 3 to declare that the new vamp is encroaching on their territory, 8 to negotiate for further light bulb-changing privileges, 4 to cast a vote on whether or not to allow lesser vampires to change light bulbs, 15 to pick out the perfect big poofy shirts to wear for the occasion, and one more to declare that they never used to do it like that in the old country and that the new laws are corrupting vampire kind.

Q: How many ghouls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ghouls *like* the dark.

Q: How many unstoppable psychotic assassins does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Only one, but it'll cost you about $500,000. Cash.

---

On freaky Friday in the Anitaverse

…who wonders what Edward was thinking when he was being kissed by JC in Richard’s body.....and also what JC will think when he finds out that he kissed death... in whatever form....
JC: (freezes) ma petite, are you saying that last night, I was really kissing Death?
Anita: Yep (grins)
JC: (considers, then smiles his usual I-am-the-king-of-sex-foo smile) (turns to Edward) was it good for you?
Edward: (blank, blank face)
Anita: (giggling) I think that we can take that as a yes. It's okay, Edward. Jean-Claude has had centuries of…practice...
Richard: (still taking it all in) are you saying that Jean-Claude kissed Edward with my mouth?!
JC: yes.
Richard: (wide eyed, looks at Edward) But he was in Anita's body, right?
Edward: (nods)
Jason: (to Edward) Lucky. Do you know how many of us have wanted get into Anita's pants? (sighs melodramatically) (to Anita) can I switch bodies with you now?
Anita: you just want a chance to wear my body in the shower.
Jason: (grins) damn straight, girlfriend.

---

…who reread TKD today, just for Edward’s reaction to the aggressive little outfit that JC picked out for Anita.
He actually had an expression. Now this means that Edward must have mentally been doing an impersonation of a cartoon wolf.....
Edward: (mentally, looking at Anita) Now why doesn't she ever wear stuff like that when she's hunting with me? *sigh*

---

I wonder where Edward will send becca when he goes VC hunting? Wouldn't it be funny if he sent her to the circus? He does seem to think it's pretty safe.....
Anita: Jean-Claude, I need a favor.
Jean-Claude: Ma petite, you know that you need not ask for my favors....*wicked smile*
Anita: (smiles, gestures behind her, Edward and Becca come into the room) Edward and I need a babysitter. Do you think that you can handle it?
Jean-Claude: I...ah.....ma petite.... (Becca runs up to him and hugs. He looks down at her, nonplussed)
Becca: Do you have ice cream? Do you like to play with dolly’s? Ted let me bring all of mine...we can play!
Edward: (smiles) It's only for a little while.
Anita: (Batting her eyes) Please, Jean-Claude?
Jean-Claude: (gulps and looks down at Becca.) (Then gallantly, to Anita) For ma petite, nothing is too much.
Becca: You have pretty hair. Can I braid it?
Jean-Claude: (to Anita) Though some things fall just short of..
Edward: (to Becca) Now be a good girl and do what Jean-Claude tells you to do, okay? (Becca nods) Maybe, if you're really good, he'll let you play dress-up with his clothes. (Becca's eyes light) (Edward shoots Jean-Claude a wicked little smile as he and Anita leave)
Anita: (giggling uncontrollably) have fun, you two....

---

Q: How many lukoi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it gets in the way of baying at the moon.

Q: How many clairvoyants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of them will touch the bulb. They are scared of what happen at the light bulb screwing factory. (Or Anita may have touched

Q: How many wererats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but they have to be REALLY SMALL, and be careful of the glass...

Q: How many Guilty Pleasure strippers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it and the other two to keep Jean-Claude busy.

Q: How many sexy French vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That must be a /big/ freaking light bulb.

Q: How many people does it take to change the light bulb in Anita's bedroom?
A: <Click-Click> Don't you TOUCH it!

Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb in Jean-Claude's room?
A: Only one, but JC gets a sex-foo charge out of it.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Were.
Were who?
Were you ever, or are you now a member of the Were Party?

---

…who wanted very, very badly for Anita to heal Bernardo with the munin... and who doesn't like the softer side of Edward AT ALL—she wants the loveable sociopath from TKD back, dammit! but who would have been content just to see the look on his face when he has to deal with a munin-ridden Anita

Bernardoflexing his arm) all better. Thanks, Blake. (looks at Anita)... Hey Edward...is she supposed to be writhing around on the floor like that?
Anita: I...won't....do....it....! NO! (moves toward Bernardo, then pushes him away from her violently) GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!
Olaf: *this* is the witch that you waxed eloquent over? She is acting like a lunatic. (Anita growls at him)(He blinks, confused)
Anita: You smell like....food..(lunges towards him)
Edward: (grabs her) Anita, are you okay?
Anita: (breathless, sinks down to the floor) Raina. It's Raina. She- (is rocking back and forth on the ground)
Edward: You killed Raina.
Anita: (still rocking) that's the problem.
Bernardo: (looking out the window) Hey...Edward....it looks like we've got company...in the form of a hella lot of werewolves. They look kinda...hungry...
Anita: (looks up) Uh-oh. Edward, did I ever tell you what happened to me last May?
Edward: (shakes his head)
Anita: remind me to do that sometime. But right now, I have to RUN! (She runs out the door)(the sounds of weres howling in pursuit are clearly audible)
Bernardo: why did you bring her down here again?
Edward: I thought she'd be useful...
Bernardo: Oh. Yes. Very useful.

---

…who just finished watching btvs, and thinks that spike meeting Anita would be just too funny… as would Spike meeting Edward… say in a bar, and they can both get drunk as hell as they curse about the stupid sentimental idiots that their leading ladies seem to prefer.....

Spike: (takes a shot) she's the slayer. The scourge of vampire kind. so why the hell'd she pick a fucking bleeding heart like Angel t'fall all over?
Edward: (also tosses back a shot) you got me. All they have to do is go "oh, poor me, I’m all conflicted with my monstrosity..." (makes a disgusted sound) and before you know it...she's doing BOTH of them. (sighs)
Spike: (intoxicated, hiccupping) you said it, mate. What we oughta do is put these wankers out of their misery.....
Edward: (also drunk, but hiding it better) Damn straight (they toast)
Spike: here's to the destruction of melancholy twits who angst about their past wrongs!
Edward: here's to the untimely deaths of annoyingly handsome leading men who get by with sex foo...
Spike: Amen to that... (they clink glasses and drink) So who's your broad?
Edward: The Executioner. You?
Spike: The Slayer.
Both, to each other: Boy. You're screwed.....

---

I'm planning for faith to have a go at him...think he'll be compliant? They both seem to be from the "don't make it so complicated, just DO it" school....

(in a bar) (Edward is on a hunt, playing it cool)
Faith: Hey. I said. HEY! (Edward turns, looks at her coolly)
Edward: Yes?
Faith: you married?
Edward: No.
Faith: Gay?
Edward: (a bit more emphatic) No.
Faith: (smiles) Good. (grabs his collar) Come with me. (he twists out of her grip) (they struggle-faith wins…well duh…she's the friggin slayer....) Aww....you dowanna play? I guess that that means there's only one thing to do with you...(she pulls out her knife and has it at his throat when she notices that he's got a gun to her head)
Edward: (softly) Bet I can shoot you before you can slit my throat.
Faith: (sighs) You know, there was a time when I'd have taken that bet...but I've got things to do, vampires to kill...(notices Edward's look) What? You got some sort of vamp fetish that you don't want me killing them?
Edward: Kill all you want.(slight smile) Just leave me some.
Faith: You kill vamps?
Edward: (sinister laugh…you know the one....the one he uses when he tells Anita how he dreams of hunting her) I kill everything.
Faith: Man after my own heart. (Sidles up to him) So what's a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?
Edward: (a beat, then he shrugs) looking for someone to kill.
Faith: Like specific?
Edward: yes (beat, as he looks at the door) I'll be right back.
Faith: (nods towards the door) that him?
Edward: yep.(starts to get up)
Faith: (puts a hand on his shoulder and pushes him back into the seat)(steps in front of him) Hey blondie, I'll make a wager with you.
Edward: I'm listening
Faith: (smiles) I've got my pretty (holds up the knife), and you've got your gun. (wicked smile) Bet I can kill him before you can.
Edward: (looks at her)(beat) You want half the cash?
Faith: (considers, then shakes her head) no, I'll do this just for the fun. No matter who does the deed, you get the money.
Edward: (shrugs) sounds good to me (he starts to get up again)
Faith: (pushes him back down with both hands on his chest) (smiles) (leans in)(whispering) we haven't yet discussed what I do get if I win.......

Wouldn’t faith and Edward be a fun team? So many to kill, so little time.....*sigh*

---

…did she and Edward put on a cute and lovey-dovey show for her parents? (Judith must have been so pleased....)

Judith: I'm so happy that you've finally decided to tie the knot, Anita...
Josh: (wrinkles his nose) He looks kinda like your old fiancée, doesn't he? Does this mean that you're not dating that vampire guy anymore? I hope so. He looked kinda fruity.....
Anita: (kicks him) shut UP, Josh..(Josh smiles)
Josh: Hey Ted, Anita tell you about the time when her fiancée came over and we caught her-oof! (Anita is covering his mouth)
Edward: (best innocent smile) I didn't know you had a fiancée before me, honeypot..
Anita: (through clenched teeth) do NOT call me honeypot..
Andria: (bats eyes) actually, she's had TWO fiancées....
Edward: My my.....(charming, conspiratorial) So what else do you think that she's been hiding from me?
Andria: (thinks) well, did she ever tell you about how she used to be obsessed with becoming a ballerina and begged mom for three weeks for a ballerina Barbie and then took it everywhere? (giggles) she wanted us to call her "Giselle" because it was more ballerina-ish
Anita: (blushing) I was very young. It passed.
Josh: (freeing himself) yeah, then you decided that you wanted to be a fairytale princess... (gets another elbow from Anita)
Edward: (smiling) there's so much about her that she hasn't told me.....
Judith: (smiles, graciously) well if there's anything you want to know about our Anita when she was young, just ask us!
Edward: (with a wicked smile at Anita, who looks hunted) I might just do that.....

---

…and who wonders if Richard finally summoned up the cojones to ask Edward what he loves about killing when he called up to ask how Anita was, and how Edward reacted.

Richard: So I was...ah…wondering…about what you said...about killing Marcus....
Edward: What?
Richard: (takes a deep breath) (in a rush) yousaidthatyouwouldtellmewhatyoulikeaboutkillingafterIkilledhimandIdidsonowwillyoutellmeplease?
Edward: (pause) I have call waiting. Just a minute {click} that was Anita. She's awake. I have to go.
Richard: This is incredibly frustrating
Edward: I know.
Richard: Can you at least give me some sort of forwarding number where I can reach her?
Edward: No.
Richard: (sarcastic) well, aren't you the helpful one?
Edward: Yes.
Richard: (sighs)tell her I love her?
Edward: Goodbye, Richard {click}

---

…what in the world will Edward say? Hell, what will JC and RAZ say? What the heck is the pack and the pard going to say, for goodness sakes!?

Anita: (in the Circus with the shifters & vamps) I have an announcement to make (blushes)...I'm sort of...a little..(drops voice) pregnant. (general outcry)
JC: (clears throat) ah...ma petite...if one could ask...who is the ...father...of your....child?
Jason: (grins) well there was that one night of unbridled passion in the woods... (Richard gives him a look)(he raises his hands and backs away) okay, okay....
Richard: (gently) do you know who the father is?
Anita: (gulps, nods)
Jamil: then can you quit with the suspense and just tell us already?
Anita: (glares, blushes, gulps) (in a low voice) it's...ah...it's not either of you. (Richard and JC both start, then look suspiciously at Jason)
Jason: It wasn't me! really! (turns to Anita, mock whisper) It wasn't me, was it? (grins)
Anita: (faint smile) no...it was...(voice drops to a whisper)...Edward
All: WHAT?!
Anita: (defensively) well, I am married to him, you know!
Sylvie: (low) for reasons that I will NEVER understand
Cherry: (small smile) well, he is kinda cute...did I say that aloud?
Jason: (suggestively at cherry) so you like blonds, eh? (grins)
Cherry: Shut up, Jason. (Jason grins wider)
Richard: (sounding strangled) you SLEPT with him?
Anita: it was..kind of a munin thing...
Jason: (chuckles) oh sure, Anita. Blame it on the munin...(Anita pulls her gun on him) (he raises his hands) Okay, okay, it was the munin, I believe you. Really.
Anita: (holsters the gun)(looks a little green) Guys..I feel sorta...euuuuugasdhhhghs(she runs out of the room. We hear the sounds of vomiting coming from the bathroom.)
JC: (who also looks a little green)(faintly) I am beginning to understand why having a human servant is both a blessing and a curse.
Richard: (also green) If I thought that it was at all possible, I'd kill Edward right now.(The phone rings. Zane picks it up)
Zane: Hello? (big grin, absurdly cheerful voice) Oh /hi/, Edward. You want to speak to Anita? Just a moment. (holds out the phone) It's Edward. He wants to speak to-(he is cut off as Richard and JC both lunge for the phone)
Richard and JC: (in unison) GIVE ME THAT!

---

…who is thinking about writing a crossover...something like...

Anita: (covered in blood after a staking) I just wish that I knew that killing vampires was the right thing to do....
Anyanka: (steps from the shadows) Done.......

---

Edward: uh..Anita, have you ever heard of a thing called  a slayer?
Anita: yeah..but they're supposed to be just a legend...
Edward: well, I don't think they are....
Anita: why? (faith comes out of the shower in a towel)(sidles up behind Edward)
Edward: uh.....I just ....met one....
Faith: (raising an eyebrow) more than met, blondie....
Anita: Edward! Did you...
Faith: (takes the phone) many, many times........